Prophecy in the News: June 2025

After six weeks on the run, the eighth of nine Louisiana escapees has been captured. He had been found guilty of car theft and attempted murder through strangulation. He explained to authorities that he experienced difficulty hiding as he unfortunately had three long and wide black stripes tattooed on his face. One under each eye and one right in the middle of his forehead with a festive five pointed star at the top. Yeah, that would be tough to hide.

ESPN announced it had gained the broadcast rights to televise all US Lacross games. “ Hip, Hip, Hurray!” said only the student bodies of Yale and Harvard.

Homeland Security released a report stating Russian hackers have probably installed sleeper virus in many of the nation’s utility and FCC airport systems. So apparently, with the stroke of a key, Rusia could create utter chaos at airports by calling all 4 boarding classes at one time?

All the states in America allowed child marriages until 2024. Now only 37 states allow child marriages with 4 states having no minimum age. These states are referred to as the Waffle House States. In related news, West Virginia is the only state that does not have a law against Bestiality. Go figure.

During her testimony in the P Diddy trial, a Ms. Ventura stated that while she had innumerable sexual encounters with numerous men to entertain Mr. Diddy, she estimated that the pay for her services was only 10% of what she could have made during that time as an influencer. Maybe they all need to go to jail?

The US Treasury has decided to stop making the penny. It turns out it costs more to mint a penny than it is actually worth. In other words, minting pennies is doing something that causes the government to lose money. So, what else is new? 

Lipton Corp. has created a new product called the “Dill Pickle Cup O Noodles”. It’s for people who think a cup of noodles can never be too salty. 

Lorenzo, a 21 pound, 110 year old NY lobster living in Peter’s Clam Bar, was released back into the ocean on Lobster Day. They stated they were giving him a pardon. For what? Being too much of a good thing?

A man made a YouTube video on how to cook a steak in a dishwasher. He stated that while the steak did not taste that good, the cleanup was a snap with just the push of a button.

A 200 pound sheep was apprehended by police while wandering down a Milwaukee road. Authorities were not surprised to learn it was on the lamb.

A bottle was found on a beach in Florida containing an eight year old message. Turns out the message was delayed due to a layover at the Newark Airport.

Due to the extraordinary heat wave this month, a road in Missouri buckled, launching unsuspecting cars into the air. This phenomenon was noted as a literal reference to the old Irish phrase, “May the road rise up to greet you …. and may it also destroy your suspension system”.

During an AI chat, the user told the program he felt a little stressed. The program told him to, “try, using a little meth”.

Senator Joni Ernst from PA told a crowd at a town hall meeting that some government funds would need to be cut from some subsidy programs. Several disgruntled attendees in the crowd yelled, “People will die”. The Senator replied, “Well, we are all going to die!” While this remark was seen as an insult by the crowd, Taco Bell was inspired. Their new slogan is “Taco Bell: Because we are all going to die!”

A two year old climbed onto a moving luggage conveyer belt at a Newark airport. Alert security guards immediately sprang into action by also climbing onto the conveyer belt. Onlookers said the chase, at 1 mph, was extremely unexciting but the child was apprehended and unharmed.

Researchers have discovered that kissing can actually spread anxiety. So that’s why we all looked so unhappy in middle school?

While offboarding a plane, French President Macron was seen in the doorway apparently in a fight with his wife. Standing in the door way, he reached out to her, but she vigorously pushed him back with her hands to his face. Even more embarrassing, being French he immediately surrendered.

Musk’s Star Ship exploded just after liftoff. His PR team sent out a press release describing the catastrophe as, “A rapidly unscheduled disassembly”. And they say Elon doesn’t have a sense of humor.

Florida issued a Margaritaville license plate. You can see them soon on display at any DUI courthouse near you.

NYC celebrated Pigon Fest this month as did KFC.

For “National Doughnut Day” Krispy Kreme offered a “14 Days of Doughnuts Festival”. In related news, Novo Nordisk countered with “14 Days of Ozempic Festival”.

Giant African rats have been developed to find land mines. The problem is, once a rat finds a mine, you need another rat.

June 4^th was “Annual Hug Your Cat Day” which turns out is a celebration created and sponsored by the Neosporin Company.

Mary Lou Retton, “America’s Sweetheart” got a DUI. She was pulled over and as one might expect, she walked a perfect straight line and blew a perfect 10.

Bendan Liaw is a 27 year old man smart enough to win at Jeopardy three times with a Master’s Degree in Political Science. Yet, he still lives with his parents, is unemployed and proudly referrers to himself as, “A professional stay-at-home son”. One question, “Why?”

Sonics introduced a green pickle juice drink called “Picklerita Slush”. It contains pickle juice, lime juice, fruit juices, simple sugar and salt. Obviously the thinking behind this concoction was, “What would be the absolute worst thing a person could spill in their car?”

In similar news, the failing restaurant chain, Red Lobster, introduced two new signature drinks, the “Side Hustle by Dre + Snoop” and “Under the Purple Sea”. The Side Hustle features G.I.N., orange and pineapple juices with guava juice topped with Skittles. The UPS, a color changing drink, features watermelon, lime juice and a side car of Butterfly pea tea. When asked about these unique new drink, the companies CEO immediately yelled, “We don’t know what else to do man!”