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Prophecy in the News: February 2024

A recent social science study poll showed that husbands that regularly attend religious services tend to perform more housework chores than men who do not attend services. Said housewives all across America, “ Honey, we need to go to church more often!”

Taco Bell is now selling its menu items in the grocery section of Walmart. You buy it, take it home, cook it, then take it outside and eat it in your car. 

“The Florida Man Games” were held Feb. 24th. The games were inspired by the constant national headlines that always start with the phrase, “A Florida man…”. The event was advertised, “Live the Florida man lifestyle for a day…all the adrenaline with none of the jail time”. Events included: Fastest eating of an entire pork butt, an obstacle course that consisted of evading arrest from ‘real sheriff deputies’ while hand cuffed, cash grab in Category 5 winds, car hood surfing, bike race while holding a catalytic converter, a hand full of copper pipes and a child’s scooter, Sumo wrestling while holding a pitcher of beer, mechanical gator ride, chicken coop bingo where one chicken pecks the letter and the other the number, loudest voice screaming “Watch This!”, selfies of hand feeding raw chicken to a live alligator, fastest escape time from a police car or ambulance (competitors choice) and fastest time hot wiring a SWAT vehicle. For the kids a “way cool” mullet competition and the fastest time squeezing into a Walmart claw machine.  

The FCC made a ruling that calls made using A.I. generated voices are artificial thus illegal. The ruling makes any A.I. call subject to a fine of $20,000 for each call made. 

Law enforcement is using A.I. to help find ways to seize more Fentanyl at the border. Drug smuggling rings are now trying to counter this improvement by developing their own A.I that can counter the strategies created by the Federal Government’s A.I.  It’s called the Mexican Border Two Step…one step forward and two steps back. 

Former President Donald Trump gave a speech in Pennsylvania and stated that if the people of the state did not vote in the upcoming election, the woke Democrats would win and change the name of the state. He did not give the new name but some believe the LGBTQ+ community will pressure Biden into renaming it Trans-Sylvania. 

Pizza Hut offered a “Good Bye Breakup Pie” for Valentine’s Day. It was advertised as, “Delivering bad news in the best way”. The delivery driver is paid to deliver the bad news and then hand the person a pizza to help soften the blow. One driver said that the bad news was he was slapped twice, but the good news was he got a new girlfriend. 

Trader Joe’s ran a public announcement it was recalling its Chicken Pilaf as some customers found small rocks in the dish. This would explain why the packaging read, “New Bolder Flavor!” 

The Super Bowl had it largest viewership of women ever due to Taylor Swift. The down side was that the female referees were bringing up penalties that happened weeks earlier.  

In the state of Nevada Republican primary, significantly more people checked the voting option of “None of These” than voted for Nikki Haley. So, does this mean she got beat by nobody? 

At a press conference, President Biden got the President of Mexico confused with the President of Egypt, who was visiting the White House. This would explain why at the dinner, the Egyptian President was served Tacos. 

The movie “Oppenheimer” is three hours and nine minutes long. It is a good movie but the problem is that by the time it is over, all your house plants will be dead. 

Russian dissident Alexei Navalny died shortly after being transferred to a Siberian prison. The cause of death was determined as “Being Outspoken”. 

In Russia there is a new law that if a person calls the Ukraine invasion a war, they will automatically be sentenced to 15 years in prison. Or, they are given the option of, “four story window”. 

The newest Gallop Pole discovered that the average American teen is on social media five hours per day. That’s 150 hours per month! 

Another toddler was in the news because it got stuck in a Walmart claw machine. Perhaps the next time this happens, we should stop wasting taxpayers’ monies to rescue the child. Instead, let the parents continue to put quarters into the machine until they win their child back. Apparently these parents lose sight of their children for so long in a crowded Walmart that the child is able to weasel its way into a machine? 

The Chinese say that they have recently created a new generation of jets that “Blows the doors off of American jets”. But the joke is on them as Boeing has already accomplished this. Now who’s the idiot! 

A very popular religious oriented calendar was offered that featured what was described as “hot Catholic priests”. Purchasers were disappointed and wanted their money back when it was discovered that they were not priests at all but instead only handsome gay male models dressed up as priests. Fact is stranger than fiction. 

Chipotle announced it will be hiring 19,000 new employees as it gears up for “Burrito Season”. And in related news, municipality sewer systems will be hiring 38,000 new employees as it also gears up for “Burrito Season”. 

A long distance truck driver reported that he was shocked to find his lost grey cat 700 miles away for his home. Or, he simply found a gray cat. 

A new poll out shows that 39% of American said they would vote for a dictator if they thought he could take the nation in a new direction. 

Punxsutawney Phil came out of his tunnel and was not frightened by his shadow. So, we should all expect an early Spring. But most people were simply excited to see something come out of an underground tunnel that was not determined to shoot them. 

A Tibetan Monk recently showed the world he had the name of the Hindu god ‘Rom’ tattooed on every square inch of his face. Observers took away a very powerful lesson from this sight. And that lesson was, not to fall asleep in a Tibetan fraternity house.  

A new study reveals that at last you can stop worrying if the drug Ozempic will kill you….yes, it will. This wonder drug is much like A.I. It is absolutely wonderful until it kills you. 

A picture of a Houthi rebel pirate hijacking a cargo ship in the Red Sea was put on social media. He became a social sensation and was deemed as “Hot”. But the truth is, he lives in a desert cave in Yemen where it is 135 degrees on a cool day with 50 other men. So, in reality, there are not enough cases of Old Spice in the world that could take away the stench that surrounds his pretty face. Sorry ladies.

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